[Discuss] Essays in Writing Task 2 in IELTS

[a new member]

It is obvious that the primary function of school is to give knowledge to their students. However, there are arguments that whether school time should be strictly followed or schools should give learners a choice of how to get the knowledge. For several reasons, I believe that it is right to obety the class time.

First of all, schools provide the most suitable environment to study effectively(studying environment). It is undeniable that lectures and professors are prosperous sources of knowledge. They all have succeeded (succeeded)in their own studying as well as have a lot of practical experiences; therefore, they can help students learn efficiently, systematically and apply theories in real life as well.

Moreover, school time with a plenty of group work or pair work activities are (is)really helpful for students, such as in obtaining valuable ideas from one another(others) in order to widen their views, practising communicative skills, enlarging relationships and building up self confidence with oral presentations.

It is also note-worthy that university education often costs a lot of money and the majority of courses require tuition fee to be paid at the time of enrolment; hence, every moment of class represents an amount of money. Obviously, being absent from class frequently, one will waste a great deal of money.

However, some people will argue that many students possess remarkable self study skills and there are students have (having)to earn their living themselves(is it necessary?). Admittedly, self study skills are essential but class attending(attending class) yet has other important goals, such as interpersonal skills practice, besides knowledge. For living, I believe part-time jobs can cater students (enable students to have)an acceptable live without missing class.

From the indentified reasons above, I believe it is sensible to attend class frequently for not only knowledge but also overall improvement, and universities should hold talks to highten students(‘) awareness
 

[a new member]

Tớ không khá tiếng anh lắm nên chỉ góp ý tí chút vậy thôi, Có gì mình cùng thảo luận thêm nhé vì quả thực bài của cậu có mấy chố tớ thấy k ổn lắm nhưng k biết sửa thế nào. các bạn khác góp ý thêm với nhé
Đây là bài của tớ . Rât  mong mọi người góp ý

 .Topic:
 As there is increasing unemployment in the world, while at the same time those who have jobs are working harder and harder, it would be better to have a four-day working week for everyone, and so to create more jobs. In what extent do you agree or disagree? (Essay Writing)

Essay
    With the increase in the number of unemployment, some people believe that lessening the hourworking to four-day working one week for everyone in order to create more jobs is a good solution. I fundamently disagree with this opinion for some following reasons.
   Obviously, while most the unemployed in current society have no experience, skills or knowledge, it is a fact that never can a person take on a job well without any knowlegde about it. Therefore, when accepting new members from unemployment force, companies have to spend a great amount of time and money on training them.Besides, they can not ensure that these people are competent in absorbing all information in the training course as well as applying them to work skilledly. Meanwhile, old members with insightful understanding, wealth of experiences, just work 4 days a week.  As a unavoidable consequense, the productivity of these companies will suffer rapidly.
     Besides, it is unfair to current staff with this proposal. They, although having to work harder and harder with mass workload, are recognised by some ways such as high salary, opportunities of promotion. Therefore, they are invariably willing to devote their ability to companies. However, that they have to share their work to others who have no capability in these areas makes them feel unsatisfied and reduce their effort. This puts these companies into a danger of wasting valuable ability from skilled staff and inhibits the company’s development.
   Proponents of this idea argue that lessening the working day  can divide work into many parts. They claim that it will create more jobs and contribute to the decrease in the number of unemployment. However, they should remember that the primary purpose of reducing the number of unemployment is to take advantage of the capability of all people in a country. Is it really effective when we use the ability from people lacking it and waste the real competence in others? In the respect of giving the best to society, we have to give more movation to skilled people in stead of preventing them from working.
   To sum it up, I believe that  decreasing the working day to 4 days a week is not a good solution. Even worse, it wastes so many resources of countries.

[Mjss_L0neLy]

Mình nghĩ câu thesis có thể diễn đạt gọn hơn. Để như hiện tại cảm thấy hơi lòng vòng.
Chú ý: "Spend time doing sth"

Vẫn có cảm giác style còn thiên về spoken language hơn là academic language ^^

P/s: mình mới đọc qua thôi, chưa đi sâu chi tiết.

[trucvl2002]

Here is my essay...but I see that I have some problems in that essay (content, vocab..)...can everyone help me??? tks a lot.

Everyone has a period time to study  and memorize in their childhood. In particular Summerhill is a modern and perfect school. Summerhill is undoubtedly the best school when compared to other schools. This can be seen in the areas of freedom and rights.

Firstly, in the aspect of freedom children are clearly innately wise and realistic. Children can go to school or stay away from them because the lessons are optional. In addition, they have classes according to their age or interests and they can learn long division when they want to learn. However, pupils who do not regularly attend classes are unsupervised and may have poor standards of numeracy, writing and reading. Whilst this may be true, there were no fights or quarrels in the Summerhill. Without a doubt, in the area of freedom, pupils are more comfortable to have their study.

Another reason why Summerhill is an ideal school is in the aspect of rights. Everyone in this school has equal rights. Furthermore, the laws are made and changed by the democratic agreement in the weekly meeting where the pupils and staff attended. Nevertheless, pupils are not provided with an adequate education while they have the weekly meeting to express their opinions.  However, they will have some strengths of speaking and listening in their conversations. This highlights a major advantage of Summerhill which is that they will become confident . In modern life, Summerhill making pupils happy, intelligent and creative is obviously beneficial and therefore it is the best place.

This essay has shown that Summerhill is an ideal school in both aspects of freedom and rights. It can therefore be strongly concluded that Summerhill is a perfect school for children. Consequently, when choosing a school, Summerhill should be the first and preferred choice.

[KEM]

Everyone has a period time to study  and memorize in their childhood. In particular, Summerhill is a modern and perfect school. Summerhill is undoubtedly the best school when compared to other schools. This can be seen in the areas of freedom and rights. (Các câu trong đoạn này cũng không coherent lắm. Mình không biết task của bạn là gì, nếu là viết về good points of Summerhill thì mình thấy đoạn đầu này hơi lủng củng)

Firstly, in the aspect of freedom children are clearly innately wise and realistic. Children can go to school or stay away from them because the lessons are optional. In addition, they have classes according to their age or interests and they can learn long division when they want to learn. However, pupils who do not regularly attend classes are unsupervised and may have poor standards of numeracy, writing and reading. Whilst this may be true, there were no fights or quarrels in the Summerhill. Without a doubt, in the area of freedom, pupils are more comfortable to have their study. (theo mình thì câu chủ đề của đoạn này không thể bao quát được hết ý của cả đoạn.)

Another reason why Summerhill is an ideal school is in the aspect of rights. Everyone in this school has equal rights. Furthermore, the laws are made and changed by the democratic agreement in the weekly meeting where (at which) the pupils and staff attended. Nevertheless, pupils are not provided with an adequate education while they have the weekly meeting to express their opinions.  However, they will have some strengths of speaking and listening in their conversations. This highlights a major advantage of Summerhill which is that they will become confident (This makes students become more confident). In modern life, Summerhill making pupils happy, intelligent and creative is obviously beneficial and(omitted) therefore it is the best place. (Dòng mình hightlight đỏ mình thấy nó chẳng logic gì với đoạn bạn đang viết cả. Bạn nên nói hết good points rồi nếu muốn nói 1 ít weak point thì nói ở cuối đoạn sẽ hay hơn)

This essay has shown that Summerhill is an ideal school in both aspects of freedom and rights. It can therefore be strongly concluded that Summerhill is a perfect school for children. Consequently, when choosing a school, Summerhill should be the first and preferred choice.

Rất tiếc là mình không thể comment chi tiết cho bạn như comment trên bản word được.
Nhìn chung, bạn nên chú ý vài điều này khi viết essay nhé:
- Câu mở đoạn rất là quan trọng, vì người đọc thường nhìn vào đó để xem bạn muốn viết gì trong đoạn đó. Câu mở đoạn nên được viết ngắn gọn, dễ hiểu.
- Bạn cần chú ý về dấu câu hơn, cái này rất quan trọng.
- Việc chọn từ, cách diễn đạt cũng rất cần chú ý. Không phải cứ viết những câu dài, từ ngữ mới lạ mới là 1 bài tốt. Nhớ quy tắc: KISS (Keep it short and simple).
- Thường thì qua 1 bài essay, ngoài khả năng sử dụng từ và cấu trúc câu, người ta có thể đánh giá được tư duy của người viết thế nào, nên việc lập 1 outline trước khi viết là rất cần thiết đấy.
Đây chỉ là vài kinh nghiệm của tớ..vì không comment được như trên word nên tớ không sửa lỗi từ ngữ cho bạn được.
Chúc bạn có 1 version tốt hơn nhé.

[thuydung]

Lâu rồi không post bài essay nào, hôm nay ngồi ở công ty đầu tuần nhưng lại rảnh rỗi (hơi lạ ), nên tranh thủ ôn luyện lại, hihi. Có gì mọi người góp ý và đóng góp thêm nhiều bài essay để topic xôm tụ hơn, các bạn khác được học hỏi thêm nhiều cách viết hơn nhé. Điều này hết sức quan trọng cho việc cải thiện writing skill của những ai quan tâm đó .

Topic lần này thuộc thể loại account essay, về nguyên nhân, hậu quả và cách giải quyết ^^.

Topic: In some countries, it can be very difficult for people over the age of 50 to get a good jobs, despite their experience.
What do you think are the causes and effects of this problem, and what measures could be taken to solve it?

     Nowadays, in many countries people over the age of 50 are very difficult to get a good jobs although they have a lot of experience. It is clearly seen that people should be aware of the causes and some effects of this problem in order to look for some necessary measures to bring job opportunities to older people.
     As far as I am concerned, the problem comes from many different sources but the main cause is that people over the age of 50 are very hard to adopt changes. They would be more inactive and inflexible than younger people. Take for example technology which renovates very quickly. According to a recent research by Ministry of Labour Invalids and Social Affairs, elderly people need a longer time to learn how to use new technology than youngsters because almost new equipments are imported from foreign countries. The usage instruction of these equipments requires a basic knowledge of foreign language which is rarely taught in the older generation. Another reason leading to this problem is at their disadvantage in term of health. Biologically, people easily get some health problems such as sickness, diabetes, etc…when they are older. Their health problem can influence the effectiveness of work. Apart from two above reasons needs also to carry a good part of the blame, the elderly people usually require higher pay in that they must cover the daily needs not only of them but also of other members in their family. Most of people over the age of 50 involved in the latest survey supposed that the employer has to pay higher for them because the financial situation of many companies is not good at the moment and the employer might not be willing to pay a lot of money for the position they need.
      Regarding the effect of this problem, I think one of the most negative effects is that if the employer does not hire the older people who have full of experience, it will lead to the wastefulness of human resource. Another damaging impact is the shortage of labour, especially the expert, because almost people over the age of 50 regularly work in many fields so they can gather a lot valuable information and experience. The final effect is that it places more financial burden on governments. The older people just live on the pension and welfare which government provides for the reason that they are the unemployed people.
      The problem, however, is not insurmountable if it is approached realistically. In my opinion, the most effective method is opening office courses for the older people to retrain. People over the age of 50 must review whatever they learned in order to apply for their work. The courses relating to office activities would be a suitable solution for them to get a good job. A further possibility is for the older people to apply for suitable jobs in term of experience they have, for example, teacher of lawyer. A final step is to raise employer’s awareness of potential benefits when hiring people over the age of 50. By doing this, more opportunities for the elderly people to get a good job are created.
      To my view, not only people over the age of 50 should be aware of the causes and effects of this problem but also other people especially the government must join together to solve this problem. This can not be done overnight, but I hope that the problem will be solved in the near future.

[YiRi]

Education is best investment in a person's future.Do you agree with this?
     For everybody, life is a long and important journey which we need to be well prepared for. And there is no doubt that education is the best key to ensure us a(1) successful journey.
     As a fact of life, educated persons (2) often have good positions in the society due to their knowledge and behaviour. These are diffenreces between them and those who do not receive proper education.And thanks to education, we would not be so tense when facing something difficult.In business, people invest money to ger (3) profit afterwards.However, it also means they have to deal with no ends of such risks as bankdrupts or crops losing.Meanwhile, if investing in education,we not only get what we bargain for but also would not run into those troubles.Beside, the modern society requires its citizens to have knowledge and well-trained skill.If they are not highly educated, how can they apply for jobs, in which diplomas and skill are essential?
     There is a proverb that says "man makes property, property does not make man".For a man, wealth and happiness only stay temporarily whereas what he is taught can remains(4) with him until he passes away.More importantly, in the long run, good education is much more worthy than physical strength or even money, though it can not change his life on the spot.
     As we know, what our future would become depends entirely on how we prepare for it.Therefore, why don't we invest in education by studying as hard as possible right now to get great success afterwards?

ThuyDung: Bài của em làm ý diễn đạt tốt, chỉ có mấy lỗi nhưng là lỗi nhỏ, có thể khắc phục ngay.
(1)  a -> the (đã xác định ở câu trước)
(2) Person không có s, nếu để số nhiều thì phải để people
(3) ger -> get (lỗi chính tả, dễ bị bắt lỗi này khi đi thi ielts lắm )
(4) can remains -> can remain

[KEM]

One of my essays:
Task:  Computer vs. Human brain
      Nowadays, with the development of science and technology, computer plays an important role in our lives. It helps people in every aspect such as medicine, education and manufacture. Thus, some people think that computer will replace human in the future. Despite the advantages of computer, I think that it can not because there are a lot of differences between computer and human brain. In my essay, I will discuss these differences in three terms: the structure, the problem-solving ability and the face-and-voice-recognizing ability.
      Firstly, in terms of structure, human brain is much more complicated than computer. Each computer only has thousands of pieces to be assembled by the engineers to work (1) such as RAM, chips and hardware. In contrast, our brain has billions of nerve cells which work well with each other to help people think and control every activity.
      Secondly, in terms of problem-solving ability, human brain is more flexible than computer. Computer can calculate more quickly than human. It only takes a part of second to multiply or divide thousands-figure number whereas a person may need several months or years, even all his/her life to operate. However, computer can not solve problems itself. It depends on the installed programmes and works in the same way all the time. The user is required to input data into the computer and ask it to work. On the other hand, a person can find the ways to solve problems more flexibly. He/she can changes his mind easily and find the best solutions in each circumstance.
      Thirdly, in terms of face-and-voice-recognizing ability, we find that a person can easily remember faces and voices of other people we meet in their lives. The images and sounds of the other people and events are saved in human brain for a long time. In contrast, although computer is programmed accurately and more and more developed, it seems to fail in recognizing images and sounds. Many engineers try to add this application into their computer, but it usually makes mistakes when asking voices or faces of people.
       In sum, computer differ human brain in three things: the structure, the problem-solving ability and the face-and-voice-recognizing ability. It is very useful in our lives, but can not replace human brain.

ThuyDung: Cách viết của em giống với writing ở kỳ thi TOEFL, em nêu rõ 3 sự khác biệt ở ngay Introduction. Trong Ielts, em không cần nêu ra vậy ở Introduction . Bài viết của em rất tốt, ý khá rõ, em nêu khá chi tiết, chị đọc mà cảm thấy em giỏi về cả Tin học lẫn Sinh học, hihi . Tuy nhiên, em có thể post cụ thể hơn topic yêu cầu gì bởi vì phân tích yêu cầu của đề bài cũng rất quan trọng, đồng thời nó giúp người đọc biết em đang viết về điều gì, có đi đúng trọng tâm đề bài yêu cầu không nhé. Bài của em gần như không mắc lỗi chính tả, chỉ có 1 chỗ em chị gạch chân chị thấy nó không cần thiết phải dùng, cảm giác đọc vào hơi thừa.

Mong nhận được nhiều bài đóng góp của em thêm nữa

[Windchime273]

The best way to reduce the number of traffic accidents is to raise age limit for the younger drivers and to lower age limit for the aged ones. Do you agree?

Nowadays, the escalation of the quantity of traffic accidents is in the alarming level. People said that we should diminish age for drivers to reduce accidents but I think, Age of drivers distribution is not a main issue to affect the amount of mishaps.

First of all, I think the traffic consciousness is the most important with drivers. Carelessness, forgetfulness or the belittlement of traffic law such as going across traffic light or drinking alcohol when they drive vehicles are the cause of increasing the number of traffic accidents. Thus, it is necessary for Government to have law to deal stronger with who break the traffic law.
Besides, the age is not less significant component. Nowadays, in Vietnam, 16 year-old adults who do not have enough experience to decide some contingencies of road. Therefore, the restriction of age is a sensible way in the current situation.
There is no need to deny that the age limitation is quite important, beside that, traffic infrastructure is an integral part. In fact, in HCM city, that system is more and more serious downgraded. For example, blockhouses appear more and more, they create the restriction street and insecure for drivers. Hence, Government needs to have solution to solve that matter in order to reduce accidents on the road.

In conclusion, the age is only one of the many contributors for accidents, people should be aware of their own responsibilities when they drive vehicles and Government should attach special importance of the improvement of traffic infrastructure.

[Van_An]

Line 5: who => those who
Line 4: cause => causes
Government => the government

Comment:
- “Nowadays” is one of the most words that make the examiner be annoyed. It is often misused so you should avoid writing it.
- In the body, “I” should not be used to maintain objective property.
- Your essay experiences a bit of mistakes.
- You should eliminate some prolix features and append a concession which refutes your opponent's idea(s).
- You should emphasize other methods to amend the mentioned status (traffic problems). All in all, you've written a quite good essay.

[Pearly]

Hi, I'm Pearly, I just wanted to train my writing skills, would someone be kind enough to check my essay please...
I'm really hope you'll do something...thank you very much.

"Some people think that schools are merely turning children into good citizens and workers, rather than benefiting them as in individuals." To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is no denying the fact that schools play an extreme important role in almost people's life. Someone may say that schools are merely educating children become good citizens and workers that it does not bring the private benefits to them. In my point of view schools are not only training children to be useful people, but also giving them a great deal of the other benefits.
To begin with, those who believe that schools are just the places where teenage would be educated to be good people and employees have cogent reasons for it. First of all, perhaps since they are born, schools are the second places they have seen after their house. It means that from now on they will be contacted completely a new environment experienced with newer, wider things in reality as well as learned how to get into relationship with friends and treat others. Second point is they may be trained of ethics and lifestyles rather thorough. Generally speaking, all of these things are in order to children into honest citizens and workers.
However, if this issue is considered thoroughly, schools also benefit them as personalities more than that. Above all, by studying at schools through on text books, certain subjects such as mathematic, geography, art...that would equip them basic knowledge to improve themselves as well as on the way to get next goals. In addition, schools are still a great environment for training and developing their skills through a variety of competitions here between friends to friends. This will make children stronger, fuller, and better man. More strongly, it is undeniable that with the good achievements in academic result, what this will lead to is that they will have good opportunities to go further in the future.
In conclusion, education always plays an important role in our lives, in particular with adolescent generation who should be supposed to be at the school. Believing that if children could receive a good education today they will not only be good citizens in society but also with whatever in the future they can be.
Words: 347

[Pearly]

Hi, I'm Pearly, I just wanted to train my writing skills, would someone be kind enough to check my essay please...
I'm really hope you'll do something...thank you very much.

"Some people think that schools are merely turning children into good citizens and workers, rather than benefiting them as in individuals." To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is no denying the fact that schools play an extreme important role in almost people's life. Someone may say that schools are merely educating children become good citizens and workers that it does not bring the private benefits to them. In my point of view schools are not only training children to be useful people, but also giving them a great deal of the other benefits.
To begin with, those who believe that schools are just the places where teenage would be educated to be good people and employees have cogent reasons for it. First of all, perhaps since they are born, schools are the second places they have seen after their house. It means that from now on they will be contacted completely a new environment experienced with newer, wider things in reality as well as learned how to get into relationship with friends and treat others. Second point is they may be trained of ethics and lifestyles rather thorough. Generally speaking, all of these things are in order to children into honest citizens and workers.
However, if this issue is considered thoroughly, schools also benefit them as personalities more than that. Above all, by studying at schools through on text books, certain subjects such as mathematic, geography, art...that would equip them basic knowledge to improve themselves as well as on the way to get next goals. In addition, schools are still a great environment for training and developing their skills through a variety of competitions here between friends to friends. This will make children stronger, fuller, and better man. More strongly, it is undeniable that with the good achievements in academic result, what this will lead to is that they will have good opportunities to go further in the future.
In conclusion, education always plays an important role in our lives, in particular with adolescent generation who should be supposed to be at the school. Believing that if children could receive a good education today they will not only be good citizens in society but also with whatever in the future they can be.
Words: 347

[final]

Mình có bài viết này xin các bạn giúp mình sửa lỗii cũng như góp ý cho mình nhé cám ơn mọi người.

topic:How can society improve conditions for people with physical disabilities

ANSWER:
It is true that the advances in technologies had lead to rapid development of urban areas. Consequently, people’s living conditions become increasingly convenient. However,  disabled are unable to use these conveniences. This essay will offer some recommendations for improving living conditions of people with physical disabilities.
Firstly, the most important thing to improve disabled people’s living conditions is financial support. The fact of the matter is that disabled people may suffer a higher financial burden due to their demand of using some specialised tools or equipments . The government therefore, needs to offer some financial assistant by reducing taxes applied to specialised equipment such as wheelchair, or offering special loan policies for major purchases.
Secondly, this is an urgent demand for investment in promoting technologies associated with assisting disabled people to recover their physical abilities. Obviously, people with physical disabilities are somewhat handicapped compared to those without disabilities.  Its is thereby, necessary to provide some better tools or equipment  or even some human-like artificial body parts to partly recover their disabilities. As a result, the government should increase the amount of investing money to those technologies supporting development of those equipments.
The last but not the least, mental support is of significant importance in helping disabled. Generally, there is a psychological symptom existing among these people which is ,in particular, inferiority complex. This may result in their productivity while contribute to the development of society. The government, therefore, should encourage the establishment of clubs which open opportunities for disabled people to meet each other. This hopefully lessens partly their mental problem and they thus live more optimistically.
In conclusion, people with physical disabilities are somewhat disadvantageous in society. It is likely that the living conditions for them will be improved by number of provided solutions including financial support, technologies investment, and mental support. Through the pursuit of these goals , the society for disabled will become rewarding and fulfilling.

[domoore]

Hi, thanks for posting this information. I think it would be very interesting for some people. You know, it's pretty hard to find a place where you can find essay help writing service. You should search carefully.

[quangson]

Nhiều bài viết hay quá.